Families: rugged stuff? 

There’s plenty of biblical precedent for dysfunctional families. But God’s at work there, too.

Growing up myself as a pastor’s kid, and now being a pastor with a family, I am aware of how sometimes people assume that the pastor’s family somehow must be different from their own — more harmonious, more spiritual, more “together”. But, living on the inside, I know otherwise. Both my birth family and my family through marriage are very typical, ordinary families. We squabble, we fight, we get annoyed with each other, we hurt one another through self-centredness and a lack of care. We are no more “functional” than most families can claim to be.

When we look at families in the Bible, we see the same picture. From the first family parented by Adam and Eve, through to the families of Abraham and Sarah, Jacob, Leah and Rachel, and King David and his many wives, we see families deeply affected by disputes, jealousy and even violence. Cain kills his brother Abel. Sarah and Hagar conflict, with Hagar banished to the wilderness. Jacob plays favourites with Joseph. Joseph’s brothers sell him to strangers and fake his death. Absolom revolts against his father David. And so on, and so on. The family tree of Jesus himself, recorded in Matthew 1, also makes for very interesting reading. Names such as Tamar, Rahab and Manasseh recall colourful stories. There are as many closet skeletons in the biblical genealogies of Jesus as in any of our own families.

Thinking on this, I am encouraged in two ways. Firstly, God’s faithfulness and patience with the families of the Bible assures me of his faithfulness and patience with my family also. God worked through and in spite of all sorts of family dysfunction to sustain and bring to fruition his promises to the Old Testament patriarchs. I am therefore comforted that whatever takes place in my own family is not a sign of God’s abandonment. God’s promises are not contingent upon my family or I having it all together. No — in Christ, God meets us where we are, blesses us with his grace, and empowers us to struggle through our dysfunction.

Secondly, I am reminded that what takes place in family life is not a sideshow to my spiritual life but sits at its very heart. The biblical accounts of family life show ordinary people struggling to live out and express their faith in their concrete, daily relationships with one another. In that, God formed and shaped them for his good purposes. In reflecting on the dispute within Abraham’s family between Sarah and Hagar, Martin Luther wrote that we should learn from such accounts that “in wedlock there is far severer training in faith, hope, love, patience, and prayer than there is in all the monasteries”. We should not think it strange that disputes arise “among even the most affectionate and the saintliest people”. On the contrary, we should “consider that in marriage there are such varied exercises in godliness and love”. The disputes and trials of marriage and family life are opportunities for practising godliness and love. They are also a means by which God works to bring us low, so that he might reshape us to better reflect his will. A person of faith does not therefore run away from or despise the troubles of family life, but commits to work through them in the knowledge of God’s faithfulness, grace and loving concern.

Our families may not be “all together” but as people of faith, Christ is together with us in the midst of them. May God continue to shape you in, through and for the life of your family.

Blessings