Walking with miscarriage

How can we walk with those grieving the loss of an unborn child?

"I remember just sitting in the car, at the hospital, crying my eyes out," says Anne* recalling her first miscarriage. "The shock was staggering, but the grief — I thought my heart had been ripped out of my body and I'd never get it back. It was awkward too — the kids were in the car and asking me 'Mummy, what's wrong?' in their innocent way. That just made it worse."

This emotionally painful experience is not uncommon. Somewhere around 15-20% of pregnancies miscarry before 20 weeks, with the majority ending by 13 weeks.† For some women, it happens so early that they don't even realise they have miscarried; but for those who do, it can be an emotionally traumatic time.

"Then my husband tried to console me," Anne continues. "He said something like 'It was just a bunch of cells; it wasn't really a baby'. Like that was going to cheer me up! I just howled more — how could he say that to me? How could he even believe that about our own child?"

The loss of the baby can be devastating. Each woman will react differently, but most expectant mothers will feel anger, disbelief, isolation, and intense grief at this time. It is surprising how many people will say to a woman who has recently miscarried that they haven't really lost a baby, or that they can always have another one, or even that motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be! As awful as it sounds, some people actually believe these things and think it will somehow be a comfort to a grieving woman. It won't be.

"I always wanted a big family, " Anne continues. "I'm an only child and hubby is the eldest of two, so I was determined to give my kids siblings. It took a long time to conceive the second pregnancy, so I was over the moon when I found out I was pregnant with the third. A miscarriage wasn't even on my radar — after all, I'd had two successful pregnancies, I'd proven I could do it — why would I even think about losing my baby?

"I've since discovered that having a track record of successful pregnancies is no guarantee — every pregnancy is different. The flip side of that is, so my obstetrician said, a miscarriage is no predictor of future unsuccessful pregnancies. I just had to cling on to that."

It is hard to know exactly why a pregnancy miscarries. Some embryos can be genetically unviable; other miscarriages can be caused by problems in the formation of the uterus or cervix. But often, even with genetic testing or physical examination, no reason can be discovered.

"I lost the next one too," Anne says quietly. "After that, we decided to try IVF, and we have four kids now. Some women might wonder what I'm moaning about — I've got the big family I wanted and a happy marriage.

"I can't really explain it but you never get over losing a baby. Somehow the open-ended joy of pregnancy is taken away from you, and you start to anticipate problems around every corner. I often think of how old those lost babies would be now, how different the family would be if they'd survived — would I even have the two littlest ones I've got? If you think about it too long it will do your head in. I guess that's the point of experience — once you've had it, you can never 'unknow' it."

Walking alongside

As Christians, what can we do to reach out to our friends going through a miscarriage?

• Validate: In human terms, the most important thing we can do is not to downplay what has happened. Validate her experience. She conceived, she was pregnant, now she is not. However, her body may still feel like she is, and it will take a while for the hormonal changes she has experienced since conception to subside. She may even feel woozy from anaesthetic if she needed to have a medical procedure. She is entitled to feel upset, angry or shocked by the suddenness of her experience.

• Mourn: Recognise her need to grieve. Society is very good at recognising embryos as humans from birth but very bad and recognising them as unborn babies when they miscarry. She has had so much joyous expectation — she has looked forward to the new and beautiful relationship to come, and has suddenly, through no fault of her own, been denied. Let her feel the sorrow of her loss.
• Love: Let her know she is loved. Women can often feel like failures after a miscarriage, with many asking themselves "Why me? What did I do wrong? Why am I not worthy?" Make sure she knows that you love her as she is, and that there is nothing wrong with her — that God perhaps had other plans and we'll never know why. Tread softly — there are no easy answers or trite expressions to ease this stage.
• Support: Practice acts of kindness — bring her some flowers, a meal, some chocolates. Maybe a good book with some humour in it would be good. (Make sure you check there aren't any babies in it — this is not as silly as it sounds!) Take a DVD and a bottle of wine over one night; offer to paint her nails. Whatever it is your friend would like to feel a bit human and loved again.

• For him: What of the father? Naturally much of the attention falls on the woman, and often we forget that dads lose babies to miscarriage, too. Fathers can feel isolated and powerless as they watch their partners enduring physical and emotional pain. Invite him out for a drink or a meal, take him out somewhere he'd enjoy, or just text or email him regularly to let him know he's in your thoughts.
• Pray: Above all else, pray. The greatest comfort any of us can have is to know that our Father loves us. Our friends may not be ready to hear scripture quoted to them; but keeping them in our thoughts and prayers will have a powerful healing effect for all of us.

Kathy Mildred

* [back] Not her real name.

† [back] BonnieBabes.org.au, babycenter.com.au

CONTACTS

For more information or grief counselling, contact:

SANDS (Sudden and Neo Natal Death)
(03) 9899 0128
sands.org.au

Bonnie Babes Foundation
(03) 9792 2344
www.bonniebabes.org.au

NATIONAL BABIES DAY

Saturday September 19

to commemorate babies who died too soon, and to celebrate the lives of babies all over Australia.

In support of Bonnie Babes Foundation